But of course, every part of me screamed silently in protest, including my ego. My voice was quashed, my will controlled, and I felt small and stifled.Īs a child, I didn’t have the awareness to recognize the surge of my ego during these altercations with my mother, when my very existence felt under threat. If I ever dared to argue, I would be quickly silenced with a barrage of cutting words or physical blows that would leave me hurt, feeling powerless and seething for hours. She was always right and everyone else wrong, and there was no room for argument. My mother was a strict matriarch with black and white views-grey areas didn’t exist in her world. Looking back, it’s obvious to me that my current over-reactions have a lot to do with how I was brought up. I see myself adopting the same body language and survival strategies I used when I got into disputes with my mother during childhood. I lose all connection to my grown-up self and I feel the adult receding, regressing me back to an insecure child. I notice that when I’m in this heightened state of drama, my ability for logical thinking goes out of the window. Then, invariably, we have to argue about who started it and which one of us is right.Īs you can imagine, these ego battles take up a lot of energy and are very stressful, not to mention emotionally draining. Suddenly we’re both wounded five-year-olds, shouting and throwing ugly insults back and forth at each other. Of course I know this ego play doesn’t solve anything-it only serves to trigger my partner’s own ego defense games. I literally see my ego self rising up like a dark shadowy character, looming menacingly above my head. Then, just as quickly, the caged monster surfaces, rearing up like an angry giant, sword and shield in hand, ready to inflict hurt in return. In the heat of an argument, my five-year-old ego is very quick to feel hurt, so she reacts by jumping, stamping her feet, cursing, and defending herself. These tantrums take the form of anger, hurt, fear, defensiveness, exaggeration, frustration, self-preservation, insecurity, self-pity, and tears-all mixed with large quantities of drama. And just like a child that doesn’t get her own way, she’s constantly throwing tantrums. If I were to describe my ego, I would compare it to an irritable, barely containable caged monster on the one hand and an irate, screaming five-year-old on the other. These insights are allowing me to unravel the true nature of my ego and its workings. Why? Because of our egos!įor the first time in my life I am seeing, experiencing, and understanding the ego play that takes place in every conflict I have. Such a minor failing has the power to seriously irritate me, causing our argument to blow up out of all proportion-sending one or either of us into fits of temper tantrums that can end with one or both of us brooding and not speaking to the other.Īlthough we’re both aware how childishly we’re behaving and can see our over-reactions, we are nevertheless at a loss to stop or change this process. A prime example is when my partner asks me to do something without saying “please” (something that’s common in Sweden.) When our disagreements or arguments erupt, it is often over the smallest things, which seem so important at the time. We both still have to work hard on the problems that come up, affecting us both individually and as a couple. But this has not guaranteed an easy ride or a challenge-free relationship. We’ve both spent many years working on ourselves and our issues, so it’s fair to say we’re both awake and aware. We met on an intensive spiritual retreat in India. I’ve learned so much about myself, things I didn’t have the courage to acknowledge before.īut it hasn’t all been a bed of roses-some of the insights I’ve gleaned haven’t been that comfortable to see. The last year has been life changing in the best possible ways. I started a new relationship in December 2015, then moved countries to be with my Swedish partner in August, 2016. “The ego is the false self-born out of fear and defensiveness.” ~John O’Donohue
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